you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
