I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
