saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize
