remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
