Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
It's like God shit irony all over that family
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
