alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Randomize
