Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
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she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
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If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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