I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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