I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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