Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
