Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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