I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
