I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Of course I have a pirate flag
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
