Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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