pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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