I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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