no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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