fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
