I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
