Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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