can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
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