ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
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