Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
