Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
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I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
He? As in you personified your dick?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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