Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
