i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
