either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
