she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
