4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
