You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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