we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
