Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
