I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
