don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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