he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Randomize
