I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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