Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
