When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
