I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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