the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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