my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Randomize
