When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
and you fell through a lawn chair
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
