Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
