Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
