his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
The chlamydia really affected his face.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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