Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
