Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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