dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
