i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
