Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
