i'm lost and i look like a hooker
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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