Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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