She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
