I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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