I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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