it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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