a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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